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Heal Your Relationships By Healing You First #010
Today’s podcast episode something I know millions of people struggle with.
Relationships.
If you struggle in any of your relationships, personal or professional it may not be for the reasons you think.
Do any of these ring a bell for you:
One or more of your relationships is stressful.
There's a ton of drama in the relationship.
There's been betrayal in the relationship.
There's a lack of trust in the relationship.
Someone in the relationship is an enabler.
You find yourself getting emotional or angry or distant.
You feel like your identity is lost.
You or someone in the relationship uses passive aggressive behavior.
You feel like your needs always seem to come last.
You fight about the little things but never discuss the big things
If any of these things and I mean any exist inside your relationship then I have both good and bad news.
You don’t have relationship problems, you have personal problems that have trickled over into your relationships.
That’s the bad news. The good news is once you resolve your personal problems, your relationships can and will improve drastically. The harsh truth is if you have problems in your relationships like communication, boundaries, unmet or unclear expectations, loyalty, trust, or commitment then it’s most likely because somewhere in your personal life, outside of the relationship, there is a problem that needs addressing.
The problem is most people would rather point fingers and pass blame than to ask themselves “is this something I’m bringing into the relationship?”
That’s what we do right?
He’s bossy or he’s a jerk or she’s lazy or he’s unfaithful or she’s dishonest or he makes me feel bad about myself. But the truth is all those things may be true, but if they are and you’re still in the relationship, then you tolerate it.
You breed it. You grow it.
I know you’ve heard it before but we get what we tolerate.
We live the life we’ve created.
The reason you may find yourself in one of these toxic relationships is that you walked into the relationship without the skills to clearly define your needs to yourself and to articulate them to the other person, and without the ability to clearly define the other person's needs and meet them.
If you do articulate your needs effectively then either the other person isn’t interested in meeting your needs or you have accepted that your needs are not worth being met.
The quality of any relationship is based on how well it meets the needs of both parties.
And to have those needs met we have to have those tough talks.
Most people avoid is those tough talks that dig into the needs of both parties and what they are and are not willing to negotiate and end up with a multitude or relationship problems that aren't actually related to the relationship at all.
When you do have those conversations, then you can know with some degree of certainty if your needs can or can not be met in the relationship so you can decide whether or not to stay in the relationship.
When those difficult conversations aren’t had, then we can find ourselves trying harder to be heard.
Yelling, getting emotional, even angry because we think “they just aren’t getting it yet. Let me try harder”.
Too often that’s how the fight starts because someone doesn’t feel heard. Doesn’t feel validated. Doesn’t feel like their needs are being met or will be met consistently.
So often I hear that marriage is about compromise.
No, it’s NOT.
It’s about truly caring about meeting the other person’s needs while knowing your needs will be met too.
Although compromise is important in relationships, it shouldn't be the rule.
When you have clearly articulated your needs and negotiated with the other person the best way THEY can meet your needs, then you don’t need to guess. You don’t need to compromise.
You know with some degree of certainty that BECAUSE they are reliably meeting your needs, and not begrudgingly but sincerely, that you can do the same to meet theirs.
The reality is when we walk into a relationship we bring our stories, our history, our habits, our traumas, our baggage and it affects our relationships, no matter how hard we try to avoid it.
On this episode we dig into this baggage. How to understand it and deal with it rather than either sweeping it under the rug where it festers or putting it front and center where it prohibits the relationships potential.
Have those conversations about:
Stress and anxiety.
Boundaries.
Trust.
Shame blame and guilt.
Communication
Intentions
Fears
Expectations
The Biggest Takeaways from this Episode:
Understanding how personal problems trickle over into our relationships.
We uncover the truth about trust building in relationships.
We identify the fears behind boundary struggles in relationships.
We talk about the biggest mistakes people make with regard to communication inside relationships.
We delve into the role INTENTIONS play in our relationships.
The importance of setting boundaries in our relationships and why you may not have done it yet.
The role EXPECTATIONS and the ability to clearly define them and articulate them plays inside relationships both personal and professional.
We also talk about how shame blame and guilt sneak into our relationships and how to eliminate it.
SO…
Let me ask you...
Are your relationships healthy and reciprocal?
Do you know what your INTENTIONS are inside your relationships and have you clearly articulated those needs in a way that they can be understood and met?
What baggage did you bring into your relationship and how do you plan on getting rid of it?
Although having those tough talks can be tough and someone's feelings might get hurt, what is the cost to your relationships if you don't?
Your relationships are the most important part of your life.
Not your job, not your business.
Your relationships.
They grow you, if done right. They challenge you if you allow it. They support you if you require it.
But if you find yourself in relationships that don't meet these needs then scroll on up the page, pop this episode into your eardrums and start the healing process.
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Have those tough talks about:
Expectations
Trust
Loyalty
Commitment
Vulnerability
Compassion
Consideration
Laughter-that’s a big one for me. I need to laugh often because it heals me from life’s wounds.
Peace and calm-how much quiet time do you need? What calms you and gives you a sense of peace and how much do you need it?
Goals-individual goals and goals inside the relationship. It’s important for you to know that your sense of identity isn’t tied to the relationship but enhanced by it.
Boundaries-this is the biggest one. You have to know what IS ok with you and what is not and be willing to say so and hold firm.
Really connect, share and grow your relationships by recognizing that the people in your life can help you become the best version of you if you have the tools to communicate your needs, and to understand and meet their needs.
If you’re ready to:
Have amazing relationships that are empowering supportive and help you become the best version of yourself
Dump your old baggage at the door and start the healing process both personally and in your relationships
Stop making excuses for not being happy with your relationships
Then you are ready to:
Build a better life by healing you and in turn healing your relationships!
Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
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I hope you find this episode packed with value and resources that will help you as you do the hard work to build the life you deserve!
Wishing you all the best in your journey to TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE!!
A Little Note From Me
Thank you so very much for tuning into the show!
I know there are a TON of podcasts you could be listening to today, but you chose mine and I am forever grateful for that!
I’d love for you to subscribe to my podcast! I don’t want you to miss an episode. I’m going to be including a series of episodes to the mix that are slam dunks to help you get the most traction in your life and if you’re not subscribed there’s a good chance you’ll miss out on those. Click here to subscribe in iTunes!
Now if you are feeling extra contributory, I would be really grateful if you could leave me a review over on iTunes too. Those reviews not only help other people find my podcast, they also give me great feedback as to what you like, don't like and what you would like to hear about on the podcast. They also let me know you are getting value and enjoying the podcast, which is my goal each week. Let me know your favorite topics I discuss on the podcast. Thanks so much!
Your review is not only paramount in helping others discover the show, but I also read each and every submission personally...and they mean the world to me.
So thank you in advance!
Finally, do you have questions about today’s episode or have suggestions for something you would like me to talk about on the podcast?
Drop me an email at Erin@takebackyourlifecoaching.com and let me know.
That’s the best way for me to help clear up any confusion or answer any questions and to ensure I am incorporating everything you need to help you bridge the gap from where you are and where you want to be and start the process towards taking back your life!!
*Hugs*
Erin
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